Forgive me for the lacklustre post. It has been several months since I last used social media or wrote blog posts. During this time, I've faced new limitations and pain. My main message is to share my struggle adapting to these changes while trying to remain myself.
I have worked as a Personal Support Worker (PSW) for over ten years, and I truly love what I do. Helping others brings me joy. However, after sustaining injuries, my body demanded a break, ready or not. In 2021, I was injured on the job when a patient attacked me. It was a frightening experience, and I spent much of the following year off work to recover.
When I returned to work, I was filled with excitement. I was eager to help others again and couldn’t wait to reconnect with my patients. Their positive responses always uplift me, and I enjoy brightening their days. Unfortunately, I never received any imaging beyond an X-ray, which doesn't reveal soft tissue issues. As a result, even after my recovery, I continued to experience pain. Given the severity of my injury, there may be some permanent damage. I’ve learned to live with the back pain, and while I can’t say I haven’t complained, I didn’t visit the doctors often.
Fast forward to 2025, and I was again off work and still am. It is now January 5th, 2026, and I have not seen a specialist or surgeon. Yet every day I have to endure this pain. Doing anything feels like a chore and is taxing on my body. I lost my way this time. I lost interest in most things I enjoy, and book 3 has been on the back burner, most likely about to explode. I miss writing, I miss creating. But there comes a time when things become too much. That is where I have been for some time. So in the tradition of New Year's resolutions, I have decided to push myself to get back in the saddle, take hold of the reins, and get back out there.
I have had good people around me, and for that I am grateful. Some are telling me to pursue the dreams I set on the back burner, and we have had many great discussions about the things I used to create, even encouragement to get back to that. So I need to devise a new plan. However, I am still not sure how it will work until I am better. I am limited in how long I can sit or stand. I can barely lift things, and not being as active as I used to be has taken its toll. My muscles feel like Jello. I am afraid of how long it will take to get back to where I was before. I won’t lie, I struggle every day. All I want is to be back in full swing. There isn’t just the physical aspect of healing after injury. There are the mental and emotional aspects too. I still don’t know what my future will look like, though I hear that with surgery, things may look up!
At least this time, there was proper imaging, even though it took ages. We were at least able to learn what was actually going on there. 4 herniated disks from L2-S1, a lumbar tear and compression of my L2, L3 root nerves. So, it has been baby steps since March 2025. I am just hoping to do more soon. I miss my job, I miss the patients, and I know some have passed away, others have gone to LTC, so there are new people to care for. I also miss the people I worked with. We looked for ways to keep everyone going, even when someone was having an awful day. It's like a little work family. You look out for each other, you help one another, and you try to help everyone become the best that they can be.
Despite pain and limited ability, I continue shaping book three whenever possible. My series means a lot to me, but staying active is difficult. Most days, rest is necessary to manage pain. For now, I work within my limits.
I have been doing some modified work, and while it allows me to be paid my regular hours, it is rough. Mind-numbing almost. The same nine questions every day, just different diseases. I like challenges, and I know I can help my company more. After all, I love helping. I may not be able to sit or stand for long periods, just like with this blog. I had to write it in sections. But I can try to do more than I have been. Boredom makes you lose yourself; it is like falling into an abyss, a perpetual loop of nothingness. I am tired. Pushing through pain every day just wears you out. So, I suppose the work I am given fits the abilities I have right now. But it doesn’t make me feel any better. I feel lost and useless.
I am so used to doing things for others, making sure they can live without as many obstacles, that you would think I could navigate myself through what I would be helping someone else navigate. I know it sounds as though I am feeling sorry for myself, and perhaps I am. I just want to get back to me…
I don’t know how many blogs I will publish in the coming months, but my intention is to keep trying and update you on my progress as I navigate this difficult journey.
Until next time, Lovelies,
Always Ambrose Fider